So, I’m currently in Thailand and I will have updates on that soon. But first, Christmas and new years. It seems so far away now. I really needed these friends in Chengdu. It really started to feel like home. But it almost broke me. I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. The combination of the cold and dark with the troubles at work, it felt like the only thing holding me together was these people. But they have their own lives and I am bad at asking for help. I know I have first world problems and I'm lucky to only have to deal with emotional health and hangovers. That fact doesn't make them any less real. In a world of of "what about" culture it best to focus on what I can affect.
That’s why I’m here, in beautiful, warm and vibrant Thailand. I’m starting to feel better. I still have avoidance anxiety and I’m still unsure about the future but I’m proud that I’ve done something for myself. I'm taking steps to a cleaner bill of mental health. When I'm ready I'll go back and take a healthy stab at teaching abroad.
Big parts of the reason I want to go back to Chengdu are the things I've started, including an awesome DnD campaign began a few weeks ago with some friends of friends. I need to continue the adventures of Aleda the ex-sailor fighter that is secretly a fire Genasi. Neeeerrrddd.
Also rugby, I have some serious rugby obligations that I will be neglecting. I'll try my best from afar but I'm gonna be selfish af this trip.
Chengdu became like Richmond to me. I stayed for the friends even though I was miserable. It’s like a shitty job that you should quit but you don’t because you love your co-workers and you don’t want to leave them or let them down.
I am lucky to have experienced the love of so many awesome people. I think I will be back but I need time to collect myself. I haven't said goodbye yet.