I'm heading back east. Like real far east. I just wanted to start off with an apology to anyone I didn't get to see while I was back. Sorry, my priorites have been all wack. I still love you and you're all welcome to stay with me, wherever that may be. And I fucking mean that to all of you.
Going back to China is kind of surreal. I thought I was done, that I was gonna figure out life Stateside but I guess China wasn't done with me. A friend recommended me to a great school in an awesome city and I was like woah, how can I turn that down. I then spent the next month or so unsure if I made the right decision. I procrastinated and then got buried by bureaucracy. I couldn't sleep for a couple of weeks, thought I would crack under the stress and I almost did.
Now I'm slowly inching closer and closer, out of my comfort zone and also back to it in a way. China seems like a strange land of opportunity for me. A chance to see who I really am.
I have the tendency in terms of other people. Wondering which member of the team I was, the brains, the face, the muscle or the wild card. Leaving the country and ending what I thought was a relationship that would turn me into a better person, helped me realize that I can't live trying to be something for someone else. I can't carry the weight of someone else's happiness at the expense of my own self worth. That I've had friends in the past that didn't like change and would refuse to support the process. I needed to fail. And I have found friends that will support the failure, exploring and figuring myself out bs. I've gained some new perspectives, I'm not on a path but navigating a interconnected system of rivers and lakes, lagoons and choppy seas realizing there is no wrong way to go, no point in fighting a losing fight with the current.
I know that all sounds pretentious and douchey but it's what came to me while sitting in the waiting room of the Chinese embassy waiting to apply for a visa. And I really feel like I've become more myself in the past six months or as Cassie said “yeah, you've gotten real weird” but I think I'm ok with that.
I am going to miss this country and all the beautiful people in it, and the vegan food. And I was lucky enough to send time with my family this summer and get my first sunburn, which is total bullshit. I never had them until I started used sunscreen, it's a conspiracy! Just like cloud insurance... but look at them up there...plotting.
All “jokes” aside I'll be back and you should come visit me.